DUST TO DUST

It's 2am and I can't go to sleep. I went to the cemetery yesterday afternoon right at dusky dark. I warned mama that I didn't want to go down there until they had fixed the grave. She felt sure it had been done, there had been plenty of time. About 3 years ago, mama and daddy had their plot finished, it's beautiful a beautifully carved headstone, in the shape of two hearts, with wedding ring entwined on the front and MIXON in big letters on the back... Their names and dates of birth engraved. It was incased with beautiful granite in a perfect square with MIXON again at the bottom, and filled with beautiful white rocks. A flower pot sits in the middle of the hearts.

When daddy died, they had to bust the concrete and rake the rocks over to mama's side to bury him in the DIRT ! I know he was in a casket inside a vault, but my daddy is under that dirt. I didn't want to see that. I wanted it to be beautiful, Not a clump of dirt. I know my daddy is really not there he is in heaven rejoicing, but his earthly body is there, and it hurt so bad. I really thought I could handle it. But I sat in the car, numbed by the sight of dirt... plain ole ordinary everyday dirt.

I sat in the car and cried while mama picked up a pot of flowers and I watched her struggle to try and place them in the pot between the headstone. I thought, Renae this is something you can do, get out of this car, and make a beautiful arrangement for your daddy's grave. So with that I got out and walked to the grave and made the most beautiful arrangement that I could conjure up in my head with the flowers that I had to work with.

I stood and looked at my finished project, trying not to "look" at the dirt, it made it look so much better. We will call the company tomorrow and make sure that grave gets fixed. I refuse to go back until it is. I can't take that. I have been strong in so many areas of this, but that hurt worse than the funeral. I had to come home, alone, and sit in the dark and cry... by myself. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, I couldn't explain why the "DIRT" upset me so bad. I couldn't even tell Don, I just did as I usually do, put that mask on... I pulled myself together, as it was hurting my head to cry anymore,and started reading the bible. In Proverbs 13:14 it reads: "Laughter can conceal a heavy heart; when the laughter ends, the grief remains". I found that scripture last night as if God himself pointed it out to me.

I have felt as if I needed to be strong and just mosey on through all this, grieve and just get over it and move on, WELL I can't... I don't want anyone to think that I am not strong, but at this point, I can't stand erect anymore. I have a right to cry and hurt about my daddy being dead. Not whine and seek attention, but grieve. He was my daddy for almost 43 years, how am I supposed to be ok in less than a month.

In consoling my own heart I realized I had to get over this "dirt" thing. So, I remembered that when God made Adam he picked up a clump of dirt, and made man, so it is more fitting to put man back in dirt when their earthy body is gone.

I don't want to be known as a drama queen, or a weak person, but people that would think that about me, are not people that would be reading this blog anyway, only my friends have access to this site. I do have a right to grieve, and do so as long as I need to.

So, dust to dust... that is the way that God intended it, as that is the way I must except it. I miss him, I'm just not doing as well as I want to right now. So, if you read this, pray for me. Pray that God will help me accept that its ok to grieve, it's normal. I don't have to be this strong and mighty tower. I can cry, and it's ok to cry. I can hurt and that's ok too. I know that this pain will ease with time. And I also know that my daddy is in a better place. The burial is a symbolism the reminder of the beginning of life and the ending of the same. And we are nothing but Dirt with a soul anyway.