LORD, DID I SIN, IF SO .... PLEASE FORGIVE ME

I was challenged by a young lady last night that told me the only biblical way for a divorce was through adultery. I have talked to my pastor about this, and yes that is true, however, I had no choice but to leave and get a divorce. My life was in danger, if I had stayed he would have killed me. I do understand that a divorce is only a piece of paper where my marriage vows are concerned, and that until Bobby committed adultery against those vows I was not free to even date again. He did, after our divorce he did sleep with a woman, and now I am free....but just in case, to cover all my bases....God I am sorry, please forgive me .... for the last time I will ask that...because in my heart I know that I am ok, God did forgive me I have already prayed that prayer. I am truly free to marry again...I am fresh, clean, and new in HIM...

So, the blog I have dreaded for the longest needs to happen today, so that I, as well as those who read this can get past "the day I left". This is so hard....

ON December 2, 2002, it was like any other Sunday morning, I got up and went to work at the nursing home. It was freezing cold that day, and I had to drive 20 miles to work in a car with no heater. I was bundled up with a quilt around my legs.. I worked hard that day, on my feet for 8 hours, remember I weighed over 300 pounds then too. The day before I was off, and had started decorating my house for Christmas..I love to decorate for Christmas, this house would be a challenge but I could make it pretty. I cleaned house all day, and washed all the clothes, and had started decorating the living room. When I left for work that Sunday, the house was clean, there was only a huge box in the living room with my most prized possessions, my beautiful decorations in it. I had decorated the coffee table, end tables, and the mantle... there were decorations over each window, and a wreath on the front door. The rest of the house was clean. Nothing was out of place.

I got home at around 5:00 and walked into a horrible smell, the fresh pine-sol smell was gone, replaced with animal feces smell. No one was home, I walked into my bedroom to find that stupid full grown dog lying in the middle of my bed, a huge pile of dog poop on the floor, and cats running everywhere. Clothes were lying all over the floor, as Bobby couldn't find something he wanted apparently, so he just dumped all the drawer on the floor until he found what he was looking for. The living room was a disaster area. 2 cats were lying in the middle of my beautiful decorations on the coffee table, there were dishes from where Bobby and Lee had eaten from on the floor. And my Christmas box was wet...wet from cat pee. I went into the kitchen, shaking at this point to find dishes on the stove with food in them, the sink full of dishes, and cats on the cabinet eating from plates that were left there. A final stop in the bathroom where towels were lying on the floor and 3 fresh piles of cat poop in my bathtub. I SCREAMED !!!!!! How could anyone expect to live like this. All my beautiful things in this shabby house, and animals all over the place. I just closed the bathroom door, and went and lie down on the couch, I cried and cried until I could hardly breathe. I had no phone, and noone to call even if I had had one. I was not living for God then, so I didn't feel like I should even talk to him.

Then the hell begin.. Lee came home and spoke, I asked him, "What happened here", he , in his rebellious state said "hell, I don't know", with that he went to his room. A little while later Bobby came in, he was off that day and he had been hunting, or so he said...I think he had been with a friend who was a meth head, some guy he had arrested several months prior, then dropped all the charges, cause "he is helping me catch drug heads", they had became tight. Bobby was so out of it, I dared not say anything about the house. He wanted to know why I was lying down, and why I didn't have supper ready. I told him, well there is nothing left in there to cook. He and Lee had cooked everything except a couple cans of corn...and there were some things like sugar, flour, coffee, and cooking oil left but that was it. I said I had nothing to cook. He started cussing at me, and he wiped everything off the coffee table into the floor, breaking some of my decorations. Lee heard him raging and came out, and they got into it.

I told Bobby, that there was cat poop in the bathtub and dog poop in the bedroom floor, and he needed to clean it up. I meant I was not doing it. We screamed back and forth about it. I was standing my ground, I was sick of it. I could not live this way anymore. He grabbed one of the cats and a shotgun, and started towards the door, the cat happened to be Lee's favorite, he said I'll just kill all these M.F ers and with that he stormed out the front door, and we heard the gun go off, Lee grabbed the other gun and said I will kill him if he killed my cat... I started screaming and begging Lee to stop. When Lee got to the front porch Bobby was holding the cat and laughing...he had just shot into then air. Lee and him cussed and argued and Lee threw the gun down and went to his room.

I decided that was it.. no more..I got up and put 3sets of scrubs, 3 pairs of panties (which was all I had), 3 pairs of socks (which was all I had), a nightshirt, my deodorant, and my toothbrush in a bag... I opened my wallet, we had 6 dollars to our name. I laid 3 dollars on the coffee table... and Bobby said what are you doing. So, for the sake of everything in me, and my future I said. You have 2 choices...you can go to rehab, and get some help, or I am gone, and when I leave this time, I will not be back..I will divorce you. He cussed me and said leave ....I will not, I refuse to say what he called me. I went to Lee's room and told him what I was doing. Bobby still not believing me. I offered for Lee to come with me, he said I'm not going to granny and papa's, someone needs to stay here and take care of daddy. I told him it's not your place, I begged him to come with me. He was a man, he had to decide. He was not my little boy anymore.. I was not abandoning my children.

I started out the door, and I told Bobby, I left you half of what we have left on the coffee table. He snatched his police weapon out of the gun belt, and ran after me, he placed it in my right temple and cussed me for everything I had in me. He said some of the most awful things you could say to a person. I will not repeat them..because I have forgiven him for those words. I just kept walking, every step I took he took one, the gun pressing harder into my temple. I got to the car and threw my bag in, and got in the car.. he pointed the gun in my face as I tried to close the door, I said Bobby go ahead, kill me, I would rather be in hell than to live in this hell any longer. I prayed.. I asked God to forgive me if I was sinning by leaving this mess, he has already spoken to me earlier and told me I was his precious child, and as I wouldn't want anyone to treat my children this way, he didn't want me treated like this. I felt time turn into slow motion, as I said Jesus forgive me, and please protect me. I thought I was going to die, and I didn't want to go to hell. I mananaged to close the door, and as I drove away he was in full police stance, arms streached out with the gun pointed toward the car. I flew away from there, shaking so hard I could barely drive. I went to mama and daddy, where I had to admit to them ...the hell that I had suffered for nearly 22 years.

Unless you have been in my shoes, don't judge me for my decisions. And if you think I have sinned, well...guess what ....I have been forgiven.