I LOVE THEM

In my prayer time last night, I reflected on being a mother. For the past 24 years of my life I have been blessed. 24 years ago in January I recieved the sweet news that I was going to have a baby. At the age of 19, most would be scared to death, but not me. I needed someone to love, and someone that I was sure would love me back. And September 3rd 1982, I received that precious gift, my first born child. Paula Nicole, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid my eyes on, she was perfect, she was mine. A change happened in me the first time they laid her in my arms. I matured to a rate of unbelief, I was needed, I was loved. 18 months later they would lay my second child Donald Lee in my arms, he was so tiny, he was 4 days old. The first 4 days were touch and go with him, he was a premmie, and too sick to be removed from the incubator, so I had to look at him through pressed glass. His lungs to immature to be flown anywhere, and no ambulance serice equipped in the area for transport to another facility. So, all I could do was pray.

These precious children have brought me so much laughter, joy, pain, concern, pride, but mainly love. They have touched every emotion that is known to mankind.

They are grown, they don't need me any longer. They have their own lives. And I really am ok with that. I told Paula last night that I was so lucky to have them, that they surely saved my life, she said no mama "We are lucky to have you". That blessed me, as I never felt they were. I was so insecure that I raised those babies in pure hell. I allowed them to live in the verbal abuse of their own father. I allowed them to be raised in fear, as to his next move. They did not come with instructions. I didn't realize that my reasoning for staying was because I was so afraid I couldn't raise them by myself, may well have caused them more harm, than raising them on my own, and struggling to make it. I made mistakes with them. But I loved them.

I taught them about Jesus, however I didn't always carry them to church. I fed them, although I didn't always feed them with the proper nutrition that children need. I clothed them, even though they didn't always wear designer clothing. I went to ballgames on my lunchbreaks, I went to beauty padgeants. I screamed at them when I needed to be screaming at someone else. I kissed their boo-boos, not seeing the ones inside that needed kissing even worse. I prayed for them. I was proud of them. But more than anything I loved them.

Today, as they stand before me as grown married adults. I am ok with my mistakes. I have asked both of them to forgive me for my failures. I respect their own personal adult lives, and the decisions that they make. I give advise only when asked. I encourage them, but more than anything I love them.

In the future I am sure there will be many days when they need me, and I will be there for them. But I also know it is time for me to move on, allow them to continue to grow, remain on the sidelines, cheering them on.

God gave me the two things that maintained my sanity during my LONGGGG marriage to their dad. I never would have stayed that long and I never would have made it without them. They literally gave me life. They loved and love me when no one else does.

Paula and Lee, you are both precious gifts. God gave you both to me, and I now give you back to Him. You are both his children, I am just your earthy guardian. I did not give you life, He did. But I do love you with all of my heart, and I would not change the fact that I was the chosen vessel to bring you into this world.

I love you both ! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME !!!