THE FIRST FIVE YEARS

To begin this story I have decided to take the 21 1/2 years and break them down into five year intervals... leaving the last 1 1/2 for my ending. This is really the only way I can share this having to go back 22 years. So many painful things I have forgotten, due to my seizures I have short term memory loss... so later I may have to go back and talk about some things I missed.

The first 6 months with this monster were pretty good. We came home from a horrible honeymoon, and it was horrible because I could not get into the sex part with him. I was so messed up from all the painful memories, that I never had addressed. We had rented a small upstairs apartment in downtown Geneva.. It had one bedroom and was really cute. I had it fixed up so sweet.. I remember being the perfect little wife..I bought over 100.00 dollars worth of groceries the day we came home.. That's not much now but 24 years ago that was a lot of food. I always cooked breakfast and a huge dinner for him.. at lunch he ate left overs from a plate I had fixed the night before. I immediately started begging him to let me get pregnant. I wanted a baby sooo bad.. but he wasn't ready yet... He said it was tooo soon. After we were married for 4 months my dad made parole, and came home from prison. He got a job out of town and he and mom offered us their 3 bedroom brick home, nothing down we just take up the payments. We had decided at that point that I could try to get pregnant. So we moved into my old home, and started out lives together.. What would stop us now. We had a beautiful home, 2 new vechicles, good jobs, and I was trying to get pregnant. In January 1982 I went to the doctor, and he told me I was pregnant, Bobby was waiting in the lobby, cause back then husbands didn't go into the rooms. Dr. Mitcheom told me I was pregnant and gave me a delivery date of Sept 12... that was 4 days after Bobby's birthday... I came out and Bobby stood up, he was disappointed that I had a prescription in my hand, cause I told him on the way over to the doctor that I probably just had a kidney infection. I kept my news from him until we walked out the door... I looked up and saw that it was snowing...it never snows in Geneva. I said to him, we're gonna have a baby... It picked me up and we went round and round as it snowed on us, that was the most romantic day I can ever remember, and yet the saddest, cause I was so afraid I would not be a good mama, I started panicking.

This is all I can do for tonight.. I am very tired..let's leave it on a good note. The realization of becoming a mom.... wow