THE MONSTERS REARED THEIR UGLY HEADS

To begin this journey I must confess is going to be a little hard for me to do, as some of the things that I am writing about were things that I have pushed so far back in my mind that I'm not sure I can even find the words to describe what happened.

As a little girl I remember having such a good life my mama was a wonderful Christian lady and was always good to me. I was a daddy's girl . And I had a brother that was 5 years younger than me. My life was different than most of my friends, as I wasn't always sure where we were going to end up. My dad was an alcholic, although he was a sweet drunk, he stayed in jail and then onto prision quite a bit of my life. I never hated him for that I just always missed him terribly and always wanted to do something to help him.

At the age of eight I remember,after nearly 35 years, one night some people came and spent the night with us. I don't remember where we lived at the time but I do remember I was eight because.. in the middle of the night the man, and I don't even know who he was came and got in bed with me. I woke up to him touching me, and I didn't know what he was doing. I tried to get away from him and he told me to shut up or he would hurt me. I said to him I am only 8, I wasn't sure he knew that because I remember he was drunk, I could smell alohocol on his breath. I started crying and told him I will get my daddy, and he left. That memory stayed buried deep inside my head until just recently.

Then a the age of 10, I was living in Penscola Florida, during the summer while my mom worked me and my brother stayed with a lady and her husband during the day . I think if my memory serves me correctly my daddy was in prision, for too many DUI's in Florida. The babysitter was a mean lady and I remember her always staying in the kitchen and drinking coffee and smoking. She would watch tv through a hole that was cut in between the kitchen and the living room which was a built on room to thier trailer. At lunch we would eat, then while she cleaned up the table, her husband would take us in the living room and pull out the sofa bed and where we were supposed to take a nap. She could not see the sofa as it was under the hole in between the two rooms. He always was touching me and I was so confused, I didn't know what he was doing but that was my private. One day we were all outside in the pool, and he called me to the barn, that man held me on the ground and made me lie still and be quiet while he used a dog to hurt me... That monster was the worst so far. I remember being so afraid of that man. I started getting sick everyday so mama would have to stay at home with me or leave me with a friend of hers.

And then just when I thought that all of this had to have been a bad dream, the summer that I was 12, my brother and I came to Alabama to stay with my aunt, uncle and thier children. The first day or so was fun, then the horror begin. The third day my uncle was teaching me to ride a small motorcycle, as we were going down the road he put his hands down my pants. I was so shocked but hurt was the worst feeling I could conjur up. I stopped the motorcycle and asked him to get off and show me how to change the gears with my foot. I left him standing and he had to walk home. He was so mad at me but dared not say anything to me. The next day we were all swimming in the pool, and he came in from work and got in the pool and started horseplaying around with us, he kept fondeling my breast, as I was starting to get some, and touching my private. I got out and begin to get sick. Two days later we all went with some friends to a cook out and went swimming in their private pond, again he got in the water and started fondeling me, in front of everyone, but he masked it with horseplaying, I knew he was doing something wrong. I was so sick to my stomach my aunt gave me some pepto and I went to bed, it would be ok because I was going to go stay with my granny in a couple of days and he couldn't mess with me anymore. The next morning just before daylight, I woke up with a horrible pain between my legs, and a weight on my body, my uncle that I loved so much was in the process of raping me, he kept saying over and over, "I'm gonna f--- you", I had never heard that word, I didn't know what it meant, his daughter lay asleep in the bed next to me, I pushed him off and started crying. He left the room and I grabbed a quilt off the bed and got into the closet and hid for what seemed to be hours. I can't to this day tell you what was going through my mind, because I don't remember. Some time later I heard my cousin calling me and she opended the closet door and found me on the floor under the quilt crying. She looked at me with her huge eyes, and said did my daddy hurt you. It didn't occur to me until years later why she would have asked that, and yes I found out he had molested her for years too. She said you have to tell mama. I went into the kitchen and we told my aunt, she took me to the bathroom and told me that she had to check me to make sure I was ok. I remember her setting me on the vanity and making me show her my private. I was crying so hard, and she told me that when girls grow up that guys do this. She said you are a beautiful young lady and you are developing a body, and men will start to want you, but don't let them until you are married. Then she gave me a wash cloth and had me wash myself and she put some type lotion on me, and looked me straight in the eyes and said I will take you to grannys and you will not have to worry about tonight I will sleep with you, but you can never tell anyone about this, because you know your daddy will kill him and he will be in prision for the rest of your life. I did not want to be beautiful ever again, and I did not want my daddy to go to prision because I was beautiful. That monster lie still in my mind until I was 16 years old and I told my first boyfriend.

That was harder than I thought it would be, but now that it is in the open for others to read, maybe it will help someone else. I pray that no other little girl I know has to face these monsters. And just when I didn't think it could get any worse...